I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
