How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
