So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
