I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
