i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He shit in the fireplace
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
