Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
