I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
