I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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