the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
