It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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