i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
