Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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