Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
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Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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