I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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