Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
