my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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