Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
