just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
