Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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