I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
