ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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