omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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