I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
