Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
