wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
