i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
