If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
