Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
