I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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