Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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