Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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