My room smells like vodka and shame
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Randomize
