I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
