My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
