I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
