Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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