I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
