I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
