Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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