I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
