the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
