this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
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And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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