I wannas sexs uuuuu
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
