his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
