im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
