Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
