Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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