You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?