history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.