Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
