you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
