I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
