hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
