Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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