you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
