Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
