you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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