What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
