Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
