i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
