Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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